Laughing in Paradise

Here's what happens when a motel is run by people who don't fully grasp the english language...

I don't get it. Not sure I want to.

Big or Small?

So, O'Malley and I decided to hit some fast food for lunch today. The place we went to had a... uh... little person working the front counter (isn't "midget" kinda bad to say nowadays?). Anyway, I ordered a soft taco combo, and he asked the inevitable question:

"Do you want it big or small?"

"Oh.... I like it small!"

Hmmm.

I couldn't tell which was worse, telling a little person that you "like it small", or being a little person who spends their day asking people if they want it "big or small".

Yes, I know. I overthink things sometimes. :) He was an incredibly nice guy, by the way.

Aqua Poo?

So, I'm standing in the checkout line at Wally World the other day, and I notice something on display up ahead...


From a distance, it looked like Aqua Poo. With much confusion, I tried to figure out what Aqua Poo could possibly be.

On closer inspection, I could better read the label... Aqua Pod. They were mini containers of bottled water.

Now, I'm no marketing expert... but why would you label something meant to be "pure" in a fashion that would possibly be construed as exactly the opposite?

It's all about the font, people!

"The List is Long and Distinguished." Goose, Top Gun

After writing my last post, I feel compelled to write a complete list of all the friends who got me through an incredibly chaotic chapter of my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a nickname for anybody who has a positive impact on my life.

Thank you, to everyone. You know who you are.

The Godfather
Farnsworth
Ookie
Sea Bass
Indy
Big B
MMJD
Homie
Dr. Allen
Glorious
aLEEEEEEsa
Hot Rod
Warren G
Fernando
Del
O'Malley
Ingot
Boggs
Donna
JJ
Spanky
McGillicuddy

The person who got me through the absolute worst time...

Punky

And the person who had the biggest part in guiding me back to myself...

McGee.

Some of the most memorable things said to me by these people:

"You're an honorable man."

"Promise me that when I walk by your desk in the morning, you'll be sitting there."

"Whether you ask him to or not, the Lord will watch over you."

"Here's a card with what to do if you ever lose it and get pulled over drunk."

"You need to be careful. People attach to you, and sometimes end up getting hurt. Without you even knowing it."

"At the lowest point in my life, I asked God for help. That night, my house was broken into. And then my life got better." (I did a similar thing; and that night my car was broken into. And then things got better.)

And probably the most important of all...

"Every person you date, every decision you make, every thing you do... needs to be based on one thing. What's best for your kids."

I think I'm actually going to be okay. It's a good feeling to finally have. :)

Miss Them When They're Big

I always tell my kids that I'll "miss them when they're big." I'll miss them when they're too big to hold. Too big to need instructions. Too big to sleep with me. Too big to jump in the shower with me. Too big to need my help with every little thing.

Too big to think their Daddy is flawless.

I'm likely closing on my new house tomorrow, after spending a year making the best life I possibly could for my kids in my parents' basement. It's one of many long-overdue last steps in a year-long saga, that will most likely be the worst period of my entire life. If not for my parents, family, loyal old friends, and caring new friends, it would have been much worse.

If not for the unconditional love of my children, I possibly would not have survived.

They are alive because of me. And now, I feel I'm alive because of them. I look forward to them continuing to lead me down an unknown path.

Ode to Senorita Makita

"Hey man, what are you doing for lunch tomorrow?" Coming from my hippy/granola/cubicle neighbor buddy O'Malley, that usually involves a trip to the organic pet food store. Or a burrito from Taco Bell. Not this time.

"Why do you ask?", I asked.

"Dude! Senorita Makita is going to be at Spokane Power Tool tomorrow. Let's go check it out!"

Senorita Makita? It sounded too goofy to be true. So, I promptly googled "Senorita Makita"... and there she was. In all her tool-belt strapping glory. And in all fairness, there was a Miss Makita as well. Good to know Makita is an equal-opportunity employer.

I don't normally get excited about such things. But, it was funny seeing O'Malley so excited about it. I said "Yeah, for sure! I'm in!" The fact that they were serving free lunch helped.

The next day around noon, we jumped in his Subaru Outback and headed downtown. As soon as we approached Spokane Power Tool, I knew that Senorita Makita must be a big deal. There were hundreds of contractors, laborers, and... uh.... even a couple of "public agency" vehicles parked there. After we parked and got in line, there were... uh... TWO... office guys. Us. Regardless, we were welcomed into the mix.

For a half hour, we stood in line amidst guys looking at tools. Guys talking cool. Guys looking cool. After all, a half hour is not much time to prepare yourself for something as mind-blowing as Senorita Makita. After much patience and self restraint, there she was. I expected her to be posing gorgeously, with high heels and cameras flashing. Instead, she was positioned under an EZ-Up canopy, sitting at a table. She frantically signed posters of herself.

O'Malley was quite smitten. "What's your name?", he asked. It never occured to me that Senorita Makita may not be her given name. O'Malley is one smooth character, I'll give him that. She told us her name. I don't remember what it was. I was too busy thinking about what it would be like to be the focus of attention among hundreds of people... and knowing that every one of them wants to have sex with you. Weird.

Next stop: the food tent, where we had our choice of a BBQ chicken sandwich, a burger, or a giant sausage. I opted for the BBQ chicken, because it seemed a little anti-climactic to "hang" with Senorita Makita... just to be handed a giant sausage.

We got our lunch. O'Malley got his autographed poster. The trip was a success.

So, here's to you, Senorita Makita. May you find happiness among power tools, sharpie pens, and horny men.

LKMY JNK?

Does this mean what I think it says? I'd say North Dakota is pretty loose with the personalized license plates.


I'm sure the intent is not what I'm thinking it is, but I think it's funny regardless.